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Walker/Schussel,der Polizistenschreck (Suntek/Quelle)


DoctorSpuds

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What the hell is this!?! This game causes me great distress. This will not be a full review; it will just be me reacting to what has been put before me. Walker by Suntek is one of the weirdest and most nonsensical things I’ve ever had the displeasure of laying my eyes on. This is an incredibly basic platforming game where you are an extremely tall clown that jumps over Bobbies, British slang for police, while meandering through some of the strangest scenery I’ve ever seen.
 
Screen one:
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This screen is fairly standard. You’re in a city, you can see several lanes of traffic going past, and beyond that is a strangely yellow metropolis on the bank of a river. The detail is nice and there is plenty of movement on the screen, there’s even a little yellow biplane flying around at the top of the screen. This would be a nice screen if your creepy clown demon wasn’t on it though.
 
Screen two:

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This is where things take a turn for the worse. You are now somewhere in the Midwest United States, the grass is pink, the trees are blue and the native giraffe are frolicking through the purple meadows. I’ll admit that despite some of the inclusions being downright bizarre the overall layout is quite nice, there are several houses in the distance and the sun setting behind a scenic mountain range is very well done. I’m sure they’re supposed to be cows but those running creatures look extremely like short necked giraffes, but at least the gees at the top of the screen are done well. You’ll encounter your first obstacle on this screen, a single stationary Bobby, you simply jump over him, and it seems the programmers took a page from Lady in Wading specifically the one pertaining to jumping.
 
Screen three:
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Thank goodness, we’re back to normalcy. You are now walking along the coastline; there are islands, sailboats, and whales in the distance. This is another well done screen; I especially like the hot-air balloon. There’s nothing much to say apart from the appearance of another stationary Bobby.
 
Screen four:
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Oh god we’re back in the purple meadows. The grass is pink, the threes are distressing shades or red and blue and giant scorpions are on their annual pilgrimage to watch The Scorpion King at the only movie theatre that still shows it (the scorpions won’t let them stop).  I’m running out of words to describe just how confusing this is all getting. This shit’s weird dude.
 
Screen five:
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We’ve now come to a weird screen that is desperately attempting to be normal but is failing dramatically. There is a large snow capped peak that seems to have been cut in half by a turquoise line, there also appear to be gazelle or perhaps deer running about in the background as well. Finally the difficulty has been ramped up for the player, the Bobby now moves. It’s almost like we’re starting to get a real game on our hands, not a collection of random sprites the programmers had left over from previous games.
 
Screen six:
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Instead of confusing the player with strange imagery the programmers have opted to use flashing lights instead. What appears to be a large red curtain rises up, very much like at the theatre, when you get to this screen. The top flashes between an assortment of colors which the player will find extremely distracting. This is the pinnacle of difficulty as there are now two Bobbies moving slowly toward you, you can avoid them easily.
 
Once you get past screen six the game repeats all over again, there doesn’t seem to be any difficulty curve, it stays constant the whole time. You will eventually lose as there seems to be a time limit of some sort as well as a set of lives that you don’t see. A song plays as you move across the screens, I don’t know what it’s called if it even has a name but I’d classify it more as a dirge than a piece of music.
 
I wish I could say that this game was never released, but it was. If you can find a copy of Schussel, der Polizistenschreck, roughly translated to either Schussel the Police Scare or Bowl, the Police Fright, it is the same game. If you want to go throught the hassle of getting one there are currently four copies of Schussel, der Polizistenschreck on ebay.de they are all around 10 Euro so this won’t be a cheap one. I would classify this as purely a novelty cartridge, only get it if you want to have a laugh with friends, otherwise this game goes straight to the Collector’s Zone, I don’t even know if this could be classified as a game…

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All the pink grass makes me want to cross reference the NTSC and PAL colour palettes to figure out if you're running a PAL game on a NTSC console, the other way around or if those colours are intended or unavoidable.

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All the pink grass makes me want to cross reference the NTSC and PAL colour palettes to figure out if you're running a PAL game on a NTSC console, the other way around or if those colours are intended or unavoidable.

 

I figured it out. When using the Stella autodetect the colors are all out of whack, even though it detects that the game is PAL it still forces the NTSC color pallet, which is what we're seeing in the review. If you manually select PAL then you'll get a much more normal, and actually kind of laid back and chill, color pallet. It still doesn't change the fact that this game is all sorts of crazy.

 

Her'es what the game would look like on a PAL system on a PAL TV in PAL-land.

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Crazy game perhaps, but at least it doesn't look like the graphic artist took designer drugs while making it.

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Crazy game perhaps, but at least it doesn't look like the graphic artist took designer drugs while making it.

 

I prefer the crazy color pallet since it at least distracts you from the absolutely boring gameplay for at least a little while. Otherwise the game would just be criminally boring.

 

My condolences to any kids who owned this game back in the day.

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Schüssel is bowl. Schussel is scatterbrain. Correct translation: 'Scatterbrain the Police Fright'. Glad that I didn't own this game back then! xD

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Schüssel is bowl. Schussel is scatterbrain. Correct translation: 'Scatterbrain the Police Fright'. Glad that I didn't own this game back then! xD

 

The ever important umlaut, ya gotta love it!

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By the way, if you already didn't, check how this game looks with SECAM palette. The green grass is correct, the blue water turns purple but the blue policemen remain in their intended colour.

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By the way, if you already didn't, check how this game looks with SECAM palette. The green grass is correct, the blue water turns purple but the blue policemen remain in their intended colour.

 

OW! my eyes, they burn! Why did you do this to me!?!

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