Shared Words - despair

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So I move Monday, which makes it official. I'm not a teacher anymore.

 

I really hate that. I'm really good at explaining things, and I get along well with my students (particularly the bad ones) not as a friend or anything but as an adult they can trust and learn from and joke around with sometimes. I'm not nearly this good at anything else I do. I feel like I was put on this earth to teach, and now I'm quitting. It feels terrible. I know that in theory I'm going back to grad school to get a PHD in Educational Research so that I can actually make a positive impact on education in this country, but right now it just feels like I'm giving up. When I started teaching I wanted to make a difference in the lives of students who didn't have very much. I deliberately chose poor schools in large cities with bad demographics because I know that they don't get the good teachers very often and I wanted them to have the opportunities other students had, at least as much as I could provide. But I burned out. I can't deal with what I'm being asked to do anymore. I can't teach like that anymore , and I feel that I failed my students by not continuing. I wish I could know that my students would get a teacher who'd know how to teach them grammar, and make sure they were taught at least one novel, and harass ALL of them into writing at least one paper no matter how many months in took, but I know that they won't. The guilt is crushing.

 

On the other hand, leaving teaching means that my stress level will come down. It already has. I've started eating again and sleeping through the night (or most of it anyway). I know that no matter how hard grad school is, I won't be coming home crying anymore and I'll actually have some time to make friends and, oh, leave my house every once in a while even. I just wish I didn't feel like I was sacrificing their futures to make myself happier.

 

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