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Excali-blog - She loves me!? -OR- Torment Descending


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SO...

I'm doing what I can to block out things. It's impossible. I mock myself thinking I could just decide to stop thinking about Eva. Then, of course, over the past two days, the torment comes down like it does every day. I ask Lilith how the gods will torture me today. How will I see Eva today?

Since I first saw her face her name keeps popping up everywhere like a fake Matrix flag trying to wake me up. This is happening in a maddening, nearly impossible (I would say statistically impossible) way where her name and face are woven into everything around me.

I lie down the first night, after I fell in love, and right in front of my face is where my daughter Phoebe wrote all over a pink dresser. Things like "Happy", "Enjoy", and "Birthday" and "everyday"!! My head lines right up with the 'eve', slightly separated from the rest of the word. My eyes widen and I see that there is a place where paint was peeled off the side of the dresser in the shape of her silhouette just like one of her avatars. I weep and weep. This was the beginning of weeping every night, every morning, and much of the day.

Now, and since (although forcibly curbing the weeping down to a minimum), it's been nothing but Eve, Evalynne, Hebe, and any other goddess, statue, picture, character, actress, it really doesn't matter. It's all Eva and it's not going away, and it's supernatural.

I posted my metal demo with the threefold hopes of A) being found as a talented musician who creates original music, B) finding solace in approaching a like community as I veer from programming, C) impress Eva into responding in some way at all.

The first response is a woman from cam-girl sites saying "I Love you. Did you see the video I made for you?". I begin shaking like a leaf and my heart is pounding in my chest. It's a link to a site for finding wives!?! I was like, "Is this her trying to communicate finally?". I join the communities that it links too and realize that it's probably, like my life, just another joke against me by entities bent on my destruction (they do it in the most molasses slow way as to extrapolate the most agony and totally damn themselves in the process).

Then Lilith and I sit to watch a movie.

The Bride.

I've never seen it before. In my mind I see some 'Carrie'-like blood bath movie from the seventies. I was wrong.

It's about me being a fucking monster and Eva being the most beautiful thing in the world and how we're meant to be together in this effacing tragedy. She is named 'Eva'.

I wrote this a long, long time ago. It was to be the first page of my poem book...

Catch by Jason 'Papa' Caraway

 

Don't put me down.
Don't put me down.
The pages you've found
are for your sight and sound.

 

Don't close the cover.
Don't turn around.
Dig so much deeper;
find out what you found.

 

A book is a book
and a word is a word
and you look down and see it
and speak, so it's heard.

 

So it has sight and sound,
oh, this book you have found,
and the words become yours;
to your heart they are bound.


I love you Eva. Please come to me. Please talk to me. Please be real.



http://atariage.com/forums/blog/634/entry-13849-she-loves-me-or-torment-descending/
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