NovaXpress Posted May 22, 2003 Share Posted May 22, 2003 My goal, as the game's creator, is to make millions in the world of classic gaming as well as annoy Atari programmers everywhere. I will do this by taking the cult classic "Captain Kangaroo" and distilling all the elements into a 2K Atari 2600 cartridge. I drew a few pictures on graph paper during study hall and now I'm ready to make it happen. The game will utilize ALL of the controllers for the Atari 2600 as well as the Colecovision keypad cause I tried a Coleco contoller in my Atari and it made Pac Man move so I'm gonna use the keypad as well! Why haven't any of you guys thought of that? You're gonna have to use the paddle for the driving scenes, a joystick for moving the Captain, a trak-ball for dodging ping pong balls, the Coleco keypad for the Dancing Bear, a Kid's Controller for typing out text phrases and a driving controller for moving the hands on the Grandfather Clock. I'll include a custom-made holder for all the controllers created by my little sister who really kicks ass at dioramas. This will make the package worth the $150 price tag. I expect to sell over one million copies with this amazing concept. Some character named Thomas Jentzsch told me he only sold 200 copies of his game but I'm sure that I'll make a much better game as soon as I start learning how to write programs. I have never programmed for the Atari 2600, but I used to program moves into my Nintendo Power Glove, so this can't be much harder. Here is the current design document: (1.) The game will power up with a full-motion full-color video of the TV show intoduction featuring authentic audio. The game will fit into 2K. a.)text phrases (these will appear in Courier Italic font within a thought baloon over the Captain's head) GOOD MORNING CHILDREN WHO'S THERE? OH NO IT'S MR GREENJEANS! 1..2...3... ALWAYS BUY KELLOGG'S CEREAL LET'S SEE THE DANCING BEAR I NEED A DRINK SCREW MR ROGERS GET THAT FREAKIN RABBIT AWAY FROM ME b.)The gameplay is a combination of side-scroller, 3-D platformer, first-person driving, dancing bears, rescuing the princess, all balanced with a fuel gage (for the captain's chainsaw). c.)the levels: SIDE-SCROLLER, (the Captain must dodge ping pong balls while attempting to kill Bun-E-Rabbit with his chainsaw. This screen will feature OVER 400 SPRITES MOVING INDEPENDENTLY WITHOUT FLICKER. What's with all that flicker in Atari games? You current programmers must just be lazy. 3-D PLATFORMER, (this will look similar to Mario 64 with multiple envronments. I got a message from some guy named Paul Slocum who said I can't pull this off, but what would he know about it? The Captain must collect all 24 keys from his chain while being pursued by that creepy Mr.Greenjeans. Did you know that Frank Zappa is his son?) FIRST-PERSON DRIVING, (I know I can't make it look as good as Grand Theft Auto or anything on the 2600, so my goal is to duplicate the effects of Atari's Hard Drivin'. It's made my Atari so it can surely be done on their system, right. Again, 2K) DANCING BEAR LEVEL, (can you make the bear groove ala Dance Dance Revolution? I bet you'll never know.) RESCUING THE PRINCESS, (why the hell not?) (2.) The Goal of the game is to free the children from the fearsome reign of Slim Goodbody. The damn moose and rabbit are being unhelpful as usual, so they must die as well. I guess Slim Goodbody captured a princess or something. (3.) The Captain must not only contend with ping pong balls, pitchforks, and men wearing bodysuits but also manage his domain in the manner of Sim City. He must make sure that his viewers are supplied with plenty of Kellogg's cereal, must tax the advertisers, and occasionally build armies in order to overthrow new network affiliates and thereby expand his influence. This will require a high-res subscreen displaying pie graphs, economic charts, and giant killer Apple Jacks boxes. (4.) While in PING PONG mode, the Captain may use the driving contoller to set the time on the grandfather clock. the cartrige will save the time even when the system is turned off and open up to give you a cookie on your birthday (5.) The bottom third of the 3D PLATFORM screen will display nude pictures of Anna Kournikova. Woo hoo! (6.) Once in DRIVING MODE, the player will see a fully-rendered interior of a Camaro (cause they're bitchin'!) There will be detailed billboards just like in Pole Position advertising my upcoming games, Captain Kangaroo for the 5200 and Atari Cosmos! Your car will have windshield wipers, cruise control, air conditioning and a CD player which will blast a lot of Eminem tracks I'm gonna program in. (7.) My mom is calling me to dinner (8.) Ok, I'm back. The GO POSTAL ICON raises another sub screen featuring a selection of automatic weapons with full text descriptions of caliber and stopping power. (9.)The MAGIC DRAWING BOARD screen will allow polygon-based freeform drawing (like in I Robot which is also by Atari!) and also feature philosohical ponderings on the true nature of Slim Goodbody: (ex.) WHAT A FREAK! ARE THOSE VEGETABLES ORGANIC? COULD THAT COSTUME BE ANY TIGHTER? DO I SEE AN ULCER DRAWN ON THERE? NO, I WILL NOT TASTE YOUR CUCUMBER Once the Magic Drawing Board is full, the player spins the trakball in a precise WNW direction and then plays a bonus round of Pitfall. Man, maybe this won't fit into 2K after all. I'm gonna have to go with 4K. 10.) For the Dancing Bear levels, you'll be able to attach a CD player through a Cuttle Cart and play your own tunes. Wait, that sounds reasonable. Scratch it. 11.) When the Captain finally corners the evil vegetable-pusher, the P.O.V switches into second-person plural view (never seen that before, have ya?) as the Captain enters into some Tekken-style combat! The following controls are used: Joystick left for punches, Trakball right for kicks, keypad 8 to duck, spin the paddle 20 degrees clockwise to adjust the Captain's genitalia, b/w switch to enact the Dreaded Rear Admiral finishing move. 12.) When Slim Goodbody is defeated, it's time for MORE KOURNIKOVA!!!!! 13.) The Kournikova pictures will be pasted into the code with Photoshop so they'll look really good. I got a phone call from some dude named Andrew Davie who said this was idiotic. Yeah, call me when YOU can make graphics on the 2600 buddy. This project is gonna be awesome! I even have partners now. My cousin is a telemarketer and works on computers all day so he's gonna write the kernal. And when I was at the mall I told that dude who cleans sand out of the ashtrays all about it and now he's on board too! We're calling ourselves Piltdown. I'm sure that getting the rights to Captain Kangaroo will be easy. I see another moron calling himself Novasomething who thinks he knows all about making business and licensing deals with major entertainment companies as an independent, just because he's been doing it for the last 11 years. I have it all figured out. I'm going to steal the moose puppet and hold it for ransom until they let me make this game. The Piltdown group is serious about this idea and we've gotten little sleep since, mostly because I just got the Internet last week and now I can look at Kournikova pictures all night. I'll be taking preorders immediately, the price again is $150. I met a cool guy named Jahfish who's gonna manufacture them for me. Sincerely, HARD LESSON Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mendon Posted May 22, 2003 Share Posted May 22, 2003 I'll take 3 of them!! Mendon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+Andrew Davie Posted May 22, 2003 Share Posted May 22, 2003 I found this somewhere. Dunno what it is... .yours, I think. ak.zip Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snider-man Posted May 22, 2003 Share Posted May 22, 2003 <golf clap - golf clap - golf clap> Huzzah and well-said. P.S. But, you know that an "Electric Company" game would sell better. "Hey you GUYYYYYYYYS!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inky Posted May 22, 2003 Share Posted May 22, 2003 THis must be that sarcasm thing that's all the rage with the kids these days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simon Posted May 22, 2003 Share Posted May 22, 2003 Wow, that was great! lol Try to get this ashtray-cleaner onto this board. I think he will be a much appreciated consultant for all the upcoming homebrews. If somebody knows how to 'clean' your code from bugs, then it must be him! Simon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maibock Posted May 22, 2003 Share Posted May 22, 2003 haha Nice job! can you also make it a self-sufficient portable unit? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrummy Posted May 22, 2003 Share Posted May 22, 2003 We have found Willard's new business partner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elllleeott! Posted May 22, 2003 Share Posted May 22, 2003 MR Greenjeans gives me the shivers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MegaManFan Posted May 22, 2003 Share Posted May 22, 2003 All that's left is for the Cap'n to be attacked by PO-SSUMS. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elllleeott! Posted May 22, 2003 Share Posted May 22, 2003 Hey Nova, when you finish the Captain Kangaroo game, would you consider possibly doing one based on everyones favorite British housekeeper; Mr. Belvedere? That would be rad!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inky Posted May 22, 2003 Share Posted May 22, 2003 I want a Webster game! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MegaManFan Posted May 22, 2003 Share Posted May 22, 2003 I want a Webster game! Only if it allows us to go Postal II on him with Gary Coleman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inky Posted May 22, 2003 Share Posted May 22, 2003 I want a Webster game! Only if it allows us to go Postal II on him with Gary Coleman. Hmm... Gary Coleman and Emmannuel Lewis duke it out with pool cues... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phosphor Dot Fossils Posted May 22, 2003 Share Posted May 22, 2003 At this point, it is my duty to suggest - no, not suggest, demand a 2600 game based on Jump Cut City! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NovaXpress Posted May 23, 2003 Author Share Posted May 23, 2003 Man, you guys are a bring down. You're still not taking me seriously! I tell you that this game will happen. My mom says that she believes in me. I'm gonna sell more homebrew carts than all you guys combined!!! OK, I guess I'm convinced that this game is too complex for the 2600. I'm gonna move the project to a system with much higher RAM and color capabilities. I chose the Odyssey 2. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moycon Posted May 23, 2003 Share Posted May 23, 2003 will see a fully-rendered interior of a Camaro (cause they're bitchin'!) Make it a Trans AM and I'm sold. ...... BTW: Mr.GreenJeans jeans... used to be white. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phosphor Dot Fossils Posted May 23, 2003 Share Posted May 23, 2003 I'm gonna move the project to a system with much higher RAM and color capabilities. I chose the Odyssey 2. YES! We need more O2 homebrews! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mendon Posted May 23, 2003 Share Posted May 23, 2003 And don't forget to use Link cable options, also. Man, if I could play this on my O2 and link it to the Gameboy SP to open up new options and maps, this would be INCREDIBLE! Mendon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Godzilla Posted May 23, 2003 Share Posted May 23, 2003 man if u spent half the time it took to you to write that rant learning to code 2600, you might know how to make the screen flicker very badly by now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NovaXpress Posted May 23, 2003 Author Share Posted May 23, 2003 No, I don't think that I could learn to code the 2600 in less than 30 minutes. It doesn't take very long for one to write a satirical screed. This whole thread is, of course, a comedic response to the Knight Rider thread (and also the result of a weird night and a questionable state of sobriety). I became way more ticked off by that thread and the bone-headed responses I was getting than I had any logical right to be and this wave of invective was my pressure valve. I posted quite a few responses on that thread as well as some small summaries on the reality of licensing. This is the first time I've been able to contribute some real information on this board. I'll never be a programming guru, I just know enough VB and SQL to accomplish what I need to. I'll never be an impressive collector, less than 200 carts and nothing rarer than a 7. I'm just a old gamer who got his first Sears Video Arcade the week that it came out and grew up with the damn thing. The AtariAge site has been a very special place for me, nothing but good nostalgia and even exciting innovations for the system that will forever remain burned into my consciousness. I continued to post my info on that thread despite the escalating flames that occurred. Maybe I should have put the information on a new thread ("Marketing for Beginners") or maybe no one cares about it. Some may just be interested to know the story of why Lord of the Rings received separate film/book licenses. It's all information that I can contibute to this board, I'll never have anything else of value to tell all you so I was glad to offer a little something from an area that I know about. Take it for what you will. I think was just accused of also being the hardwork guy and therefore arguing with myself for some reason. That's some nice detective work there, Lou. I think the Captain Kangaroo screed is pretty funny and many of you apparently agreed, so mission accomplished. I haven't written satire since the notorious Hardline humor newspaper out of Ohio State. I was beaten up and sued over a story I wrote for that paper, so at least I won't be going through that chaos this time. After all this ranting and a 999,999 game of Megamania last night I feel all better. I hope you all do as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gulag picture radio Posted May 23, 2003 Share Posted May 23, 2003 Loving it myself. I think that making up games that'll never actually exist is really fun. Being creative within the obvous limits of the 2600 is an interesting frame of mind to operate in... for me anyway. Would you care to point us to the Knight Rider Thread? I'm intrigued... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NovaXpress Posted May 23, 2003 Author Share Posted May 23, 2003 Just look down the 2600 forum, the thread is still quite active. I didn't think this would be funny without reading the Knight Rider posts. Once you check that out this should be a lot funnier. I want to also make sure everyone understands that the jokes about Thomas, Paul, and Andrew were a sarcastic response to that KR thread. The guy behind that game plan was ignoring and doubting the advice of these guys. Hence, when I asked Andrew Davie when he ever programmed graphics for the 2600 I was making a point. The Jahfish joke was meant to say that such a person obviously doesn't know what's really happening in the Atari Underground. Sorry if that joke was bitter for spome of you, I feel for you guys and hope you get your restitution. This is the sort of things I'm wasting my time with while my girlfriend is out of town. It's been fun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATARI TROLL Posted May 27, 2003 Share Posted May 27, 2003 The attached is awesome! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doron Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 Well, I had my criticism of the original thread, but I think this is going way overboard. I got the point in the first sentence and the rest was just like kicking a dead ship. Pointless and cruel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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