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Please Don't Send Flowers = You're Evil! (Simulacrum of Altruism)

Random Terrain


Continued from my previous blog entry. I made my mother a new Amazon wishlist in case any of her friends or family members feel like buying her something that she might need or want:


Most of her friends and family members probably won't send her anything now since they're angry that I asked them to send anything but flowers earlier this month. My mother appreciates the gesture when somebody sends flowers, but when I set the latest flowers next to her, she said "pew, they stink." So any fantasy someone might have about flowers brightening her day and filling her emotional needs is just that . . . a fantasy. You're not even supposed to buy flowers for cancer patients:



Besides all that, we don't have room for flowers since the living room is fairly small and oddly shaped. Allergies also force us to put any flowers outside moments after they arrive. But it makes the flower senders feel good about themselves and that's all they care about. They don't really care what the person receiving the flowers might want or need. But somehow I'm the evil one for asking these self-absorbed narcissists to please send something other than flowers if they're in a giving mood. They could send something that my mother might actually want or need, so the gift givers would still get to feel all tingly inside, but the special tingly feeling wouldn't be caused by a simulacrum of altruism this time. What a concept!

My mother would rather have a pretty fifty cent card from a dollar store than some expensive smelly flowers that will die in a few days. But wait! There's good news! These flowers won't die as soon as they normally would! You get to cut the stems every 3 days and add special food when you change the water! Yay! Your life isn't busy enough as you wildly kick your legs and flail your arms in the deep end of the pool in a desperate attempt to keep your head above water. No way! You need homework flowers! The more flowers, the better! Maybe you could buy a special calendar just to keep track of when each vase full of flowers will need fresh water, food, and their stems cut. What fun! Maybe next time they can send a big box of yelping puppies! Yeah!

Distant family members got all pissed off and said things like it's none of my business what they do with their money. They said that my sister (who lives in another city) can take the flowers if they're such a bother. Sure, she'll leave work any time these altruistic saints send flowers and drive all the way over just for that. Speaking of those flowers, after I showed them to my mom, I put them outside on the back patio in the cold. They got to have a quick death out in nature where they belong instead of silently screaming inside of the house for a week or more.

We're living in the 21st century. Why are we still sending murdered flowers to the sick and the dead when there are plenty of other options that would be greatly preferred and appreciated? Can we at least find out if flowers are wanted before sending them? There is this handy invention called the Internet that allows us to contact people instantly. No waiting for trucks, trains, planes, or pony express for a reply.

Random Terrain
Amazon Wish List


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