OK, I know this is a classic gaming forum, but these blogs are provided for the members to discuss anything, right? I'm doing just that, so if you don't like me spilling my guts, then don't read this!

"God can heal that little boy who lost his mother at an early age. God can also heal that grown man who has a daughter he doesn't get to see grow up."

This was spoken to me today.

My actions cost ricky29 her job yesterday. I feel worse than a stack of ET cartridges over that. We have no jobs, but there is a little bit of income right now.

Both of us have hurt each other deeply. I can't imagine what I've done is very popular with her, and I've felt pretty bad about what's been happening recently.

Many people think I am mentally sick. They do not think that to be judgemental (and I hope my readers won't judge me, either). Look at the first sentence in this entry to see why. They think I have problems from losing my mother and not seeing my daughter (I won't get into why right now). I have dealt with these problems for years. I had trouble with them in 1998 for the first time when I went to the hospital. I had emotional trouble over a failed relationship that summer, and a couple of people were forcing me to make decisions regarding that. I fought with the same problems for several months, and during that time I moved to a place that was in the middle of nowhere. I was given some anti-depressant medication to help cope, but it didn't work. A few days after moving, I cut my wrist open. I moved again, this time to a large city in a different state. This occurred in November of 1998.

Through the whole time, one online friend stood out among nearly everyone I knew. She was there when I needed an eye to read the thoughts I typed in. She became an ear when I needed to call someone. We grew somewhat close and we got married. There was a rough spot in the courtship due to the physical distance that separated us. Once again, I was taken to the hospital and given medication, but it was different this time. I had the stuff present at the hospital to take my own life, and I considered it. I considered it again after I was released, but eventually decided against making the attempt.

We had a marriage, we had a daughter, and then the marriage fell apart in 2001. We stayed together in it until April of 2002, and it ended abruptly. The divorce was finalized later that year.

It took two years and seven months to get over that loss. It might actually have taken longer, and I know I still carry emotional scars from it. My life went through many changes in that time. I made friends in the local band scene, and I even managed my own band for a few months. We produced our own CD and we did some live performances in Oklahoma City. One of the friends I had made then invited me to church, and that's when I met the roommate I mentioned a couple of entries up. We decided that we both needed jobs, and went to a telemarketing firm in April of 2004. Life was rather difficult at the time between money issues and domestic issues with roommates. During that time, I picked up another lifeline. We met at that telemarketing job, and didn't really get along until a few weeks later. That same roommate invited her over for lunch with a group of friends. That lifeline is ricky29, whom you all know I got married to recently.

A few days after the marriage, I realized that it wasn't going to be what I thought it would be. I broke down and cried so hard the neighbors had to have heard it. I was taken to the hospital and given medication. Almost three weeks after I took the first pill, I cut my left wrist again. I was taken back to the hospital and three days later I was taken completely off of all medications. I have no time at all when I wanted to cut again, and I assume that's what made me want to in the first place.

I mentioned all this to say that I do not believe for one single minute that anything is mentally wrong with me. I may have some quirks, but that is all. I will not allow a doctor to risk my life or my livelihood by guessing which medicine I should take.

I also didn't get married just to be dependent on someone. Well, I wanted to depend on her for the love she could provide, but I didn't want to totally depend on her for everything!

So now we have enough money to last a couple of months. That's probably enough time for one of us to find a job. If she gets one, I'm afraid we'll be in the same situation we were yesterday. I will not take that course of action again--it is too painful. I'll take the other choice, which is equally painful but will send us separate ways so that I don't hurt her anymore. I don't want to bail out, either, so toward that end, I'm praying we will never be in that situation again.

If I find one first, well, that would be awesome, but I'm afraid of the difficulty I will face in finding a job.

For a while there, my love for my wife faded completely out. It's back in full force. I'm afraid of how badly I can be hurt through that love. I'm already hurting as it is. I do not want to break up, but it is taking everything I have to keep that from happening.

I do not want to lose my best friend, and I feel like I threw the friendship away just to get married to her. I've slept for the last 24 hours almost straight through. We went to church today, and that's about the only time I've been awake. Last night when it was bedtime, I wasn't tired but my head was hurting. I took some Tylenol PM and was blissfully out within the hour. I thought of taking it this afternoon, but my head didn't hurt until a few minutes ago and I realize sleep isn't the way to solve this.

I have to have hope to cling to, and I cannot find it right now. Given a few hours or a few days, I think I will find some. There are two days left until the world picks its @$$ back up and gets going again, then another four days of being down and it'll pick its @$$ back up for another year. I plan to be out there fighting to find a job then.