My roommate is calmer today. She was evicted from the apartment this morning, and has until the 30th to leave. I have the trouble of finding a new place to live, and paying for it.

I will not be able to pay full rent if I miss even one day of work, which happens on holidays. Big fun, I just love it. So I'm left with the option of spending less on food, which is possible, but a little depressing since I like to go out a bit. I'll live without it, and probably I'll live on ramen or (more likely) the Banquet prepacked meals from the store.

My friend, Ranger (screen name), came to my house today to witness me handing the eviction notice over to my roommate. The roommate, Wolf, made one smart remark and then Ranger and I turned and left. We went to church together, along with a mutual friend's two sons. The boys behaved awesome, but they are trying my limits a little (I don't mind that, but I will enforce limits with them). Their mom is tore up really bad emotionally, and I've went through something similar four years ago. Now I'm also without much money at all, and I will be asking for her advice on how to save even more out of my wrung tight budget.

I told my coworker, pintobeene, about the female neighbor that I'd been talking to. Pintobeene asked me if she was hot. I said yes

Poor neighbor thinks she's ugly, but she's not ugly, and I am not looking at her body. I will not diss her or her kids that way. Plus, my values are such that I won't check out a woman just because she is pretty.

On with the blog, though. I feel like God still wants me to lead worship in church. I've been leading evening worship in a small church in south OKC. God showed me today that it isn't at all difficult to get a ride to church with someone. However, Ranger's pastor is very cautious about taking in people who have supposedly been hurt in other churches. That's to be expected. I can't carry any type of sin or wrongdoind onto that stage to lead any amount of people into worship--it'll mess up the worship and lead them astray. And I don't want to be responsible for that. (Hence God teaching me to not look at a woman with lust.)

I told my pastor that I might not be able to attend the church anymore, due to the distance involved and the fact I have to pinch every single penny I have for the next few months. I can't afford to drive across town, but perhaps I could get a ride with someone on Sundays and just use the church's piano to lead music with (eliminates hauling an amp). I am thinking seriously about carpooling with someone. Ranger's church uses buses instead, and his pastor is a complete trip.

Anyway, I have not felt like I should lead worship at all due to the amount of stress I've been subjected to. God is telling me to lead now, while I'm broken, and let others see what being broken before God is all about. I told Him no. He kept asking. I feel like God really wants a broken worship leader in front of the church.

Ranger's pastor is looking for a worship leader, too. I told Ranger that this was not my time to lead their worship services. I may be wrong.

I played my keyboard a little bit, and God, as usual, spoke to me through the music. I do not accept compassion well. It causes me to cry when someone pulls me up out of my troubles. I am generally in tears due to my problems, but the tears are light and there aren't many. However, when someone lifts me up and tells me that I'm an asset, I cry very hard at that point. I also cry the hardest whenever I finally see the solution to my troubles. Usually that's when I know everything is going to be fine, and I just cut loose.

I'm a man. Not as big as Ranger (he's six two and 250 plus), but still I'm not small. I grow a beard, I have a gob of chest hair, and I turn a wrench for a living. I drive a Ford truck, like many other men.

And I'm not afraid to admit that I cry sometimes. The video "Independence Day" makes me cry a river. Still, after it's been this many years since the first time I saw it.

I'm stepping out on faith. I have very few fallbacks in the world. I have to completely and totally trust God that I will survive.

I'm going to ask my boss for a raise soon. I need the extra money. I'm also going to try for more hours, so that I can get a guaranteed 40, and still be able to take off up to four hours during the week. That'll ensure I bring home a little extra cash, and I can save some back up. Wolf said she was gonna give me some cash to pay off utility bills this month, so that will help out some. I don't expect to ever see that money, but maybe she will follow through.

I'm also thinking about staying with Ranger and his wife for a few weeks (I gotta sign onto their lease, though). They've got an extra bedroom, and I could get some cash together. My other option is to rent here alone--very risky financially.

I need to root myself into a good church home. The last time I switched, it tore my life up.